We come across toxic behavior in various aspects of our lives — in our romantic relationships, at work, during our meetings with friends, and even at family gatherings. It seems that toxic behavior is something that is easy to recognize. Broadly it can be described as a set of actions of a particular person that makes people around them feel bad about themselves. Rudeness, dismissiveness, or insensitive remarks are some examples of toxic behavior.
However, it isn’t as simple as that. Toxic behavior comes in different shapes and forms, so much so that it can’t always be easily identified. Especially so when we ourselves demonstrate it.
Now, none of us wants to be toxic in our relationships. We might even be surprised and offended if someone accuses us of being toxic. After all, we all have our bad days and bad moods, and everyone can say something insensitive or cruel. It doesn’t make us toxic, only human. However, if you’re noticing a pattern in your behavior that is making you feel bad about yourself, you can always try and fix it. So how not to be toxic then? Here are a few examples of toxic behavior and ways to avoid it.
1. Lying
We all lie from time to time. Usually, it’s not a big deal. There are many reasons why we can tell a small fib here and there. You lied to avoid a conflict, or because you didn’t want to get into a long explanation, or you didn’t want to upset someone. Most lies are small and insignificant.
However, there are lies that can truly hurt a relationship. If you pursue an ulterior motive, or you’re trying to manipulate the other person to act or feel in a certain way, or lying is becoming a habit — these types of behavior categorically have no place in a healthy relationship. Lies tend to build up, get confusing, and eventually, most of them come out. And when they do, the person lied to can never truly have confidence in you again. As follows, hiding a lie can hurt the relationship much worse than the original lie itself.
2. Blaming
Blaming is another common toxic behavior example. We can often encounter it at work; especially, in those office environments where the leaders inadvertently encourage the so-called “blame culture”. Whenever something goes wrong, we naturally tend to look for someone who is at fault. No one wants to admit that they made a mistake and instinctively we try to find someone to make a scapegoat of. It is up to the manager to put an end to this sort of behavior and eliminate the “blame culture”. In order to do this, the team must be viewed not as individuals, but as a system. Each member of the team contributes both to its successes and failures. A mistake, thus, is viewed as a malfunction in a system, rather than a slip-up of an individual worker.
We can encounter blaming in our personal lives as well. Usually, it is a defense mechanism that we adopt in order to protect ourselves, our feelings, and our self-worth. However, blaming others for our shortcomings doesn’t work in the long run, and ultimately can cost us our relationships and friendships. Therefore, it is important to recognize it as toxic behavior, accept it, and try to reduce it in our everyday life. For instance, practices such as meditation and mindfulness can really help you to be more conscious of your thoughts and emotions and recognize toxic patterns.
3. Criticizing
Criticizing is another toxic behavior example that we often encounter in the work environment. We’ve all heard that constructive criticism is good for a person’s professional growth. There’s no denying that feedback is important. Without it, we can’t learn and develop our skills. However, there’s a thin line between helpful feedback and hurtful one.
Our intentions might be good. We assume that by telling a person what we don’t like about their performance we help them become better. What we forget is that people are often highly sensitive about their work, and might take our words the wrong way. They might feel hurt, and become hostile, or defensive.
How do you avoid this situation? First and foremost, you do it by carefully choosing your words. It is very important to demonstrate empathy when giving feedback. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What would you feel if you were them? How would you react? Try to look at the situation from their perspective, be objective, and make sure you’re focusing on the most important, specific points, not picking at small and unimportant details. Avoid speaking from an “I know best” position by including the person in dialogue, listening to what they have to say, and discussing their performance rather than simply conveying your thoughts.